Keep Growing, Keep Growing, Keep Growing

The story broke in January. The headlines yelled: James Frey Conned Oprah! At the time, I was on a solitary retreat in a remote area of the country. No television, no radio, not even a newspaper. So I missed the media frenzy. But Adam, my brother, recorded the talk shows on TiVo.

Oprah.
Larry King.
Oprah again.

Recently, I was able to catch up. I even watched the South Park satire “A Million Little Fibers.”

The first Oprah show was sensational – the way the camera slowly panned empty liquor bottles and cigarette butts. The way Oprah’s commanding voice cried out, Frey is every parent’s worst nightmare! And the way Oprah tracked down a woman who checked into rehab after reading Frey’s words: “Hold on, hold on, hold on.” Oprah even arranged a meeting between the two.

I ate it up.

Later, Oprah would accuse James Frey of being “sensational” when he said he changed identifying facts of Lily’s suicide (a common practice in memoir for privacy reasons). But that’s beside the point.

Larry King’s talk show was good – I respected James Frey for addressing the book’s embellishments on live television. I doubt many writers would do that.

Last July, I met James. I’d been a writer for six months when I saw him eating lunch with his family in Santa Monica. When I approached the table, he was nice. No, he was beyond nice. He was warm and inviting and encouraging. He asked about my writing, he gave me his e-mail, he told me send him pages. He said, “If I can write a book, you can write a book. Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.”

When I watched the second Oprah show, my stomach burned. Her punishment didn’t fit the crime. Then Oprah stroked her back for being honest about her mistakes. Fine. But shouldn’t James also be applauded for admitting his mistakes?

“Do you think you’d feel differently if you’d never met James Frey?” my husband asked.

I had to think about that.
I don’t know.
Maybe.

But I didn’t feel differently about Frank McCourt when he admitted inventing a character in Angela’s Ashes. I didn’t feel differently about Martha Beck (a regular columnist for Oprah magazine) when I read that her family was suing her over alleged fabrications about sexual abuse in her book Leaving the Saints. I simply wondered why these writers weren’t on Oprah’s couch too, hashing out the issues surrounding memoir and autobiography, journalistic truth and emotional truth.

In the end, I came to one conclusion: change is hard work.

James Frey changed. He was drunk and angry and mean. Now he’s sober and figuring out how to be gentle and kind and giving. Oprah also changed. She’s conquered her weight battle, among other life challenges. In fact, she’s the queen of personal change.

I admire both of them for that. Especially because I’ve been trying – the past year especially – to make changes in my own life. Every day I strive and fail. Every day I make mistakes. Sometimes though, I can look back and see a little growth. In those moments, I remember: keep growing, keep growing, keep growing.